Guilt, grief and self doubt

Guilt has been somewhat of a constant companion throughout this illness.  From the niggling doubts at the back of my mind whenever I rest, to the all encompassing sense of shame and failure after meetings or appointments with social services or doctors.  It's always there - doubts about whether I'm doing enough to stay well and independent; guilt that I'm taking resources away from others.

For me, this seems to have been tied in quite strongly with grief.  Feeling ashamed and guilty about everything is a convenient way of ensuring I never accept the true reality of my impairments and illness.  But it's also about control - the control of others, namely social services, the NHS and the DWP.  They act as though if only they could grind me down enough, I would stop fighting for my rights.

Sadly, it's been working.  The main reason I've not written in this blog in so long is because I've felt as though nothing would be good enough, political enough, eloquent enough - because I've just not been well enough to write as well as I used to.  I guess I thought people would judge me - but this is a blog, not a holy book.  People do not need to hang on to my every word.

I had a realisation the other day as I was heading through a shopping centre in my powerchair.  There is no chance on Earth I would be able to walk even 1% of the distance I had in the short space of time I was there and yet others were strolling around casually.  I then thought back to my own guilt when I was given an NHS powerchair.  I felt guilty because I can walk 2 metres... occasionally.  If I'm feeling guilty enough I might even walk 5!  Looking back, this just seems ridiculous!  You can't survive without a wheelchair whilst only being able to walk 2 metres occasionally!  My flat is much bigger than even my forced sickness inducing 5 metres!

The system is broken.  It's scarred my thinking and hindered both my independence and my acceptance of  impairment, but I'm working on it.

I will try not to feel guilty about not working.

I will try not to feel guilty about using a powerchair.

I will try not to feel guilty about needing care.

I still have something to offer in this world and no amount of prejudice will stop me from doing so.