Maybe it's not just the illness

I've been thinking about how being ill has effected the way I think about myself.  I think I've been convincing myself that all of the crap in my life is because I am sick. 


I became homeless because of illness...indirectly.  I was getting crap from housemates at a time where I just couldn't cope.  A lot of the hassle they were giving me was about the fact that I couldn't cope (and that me coping would make it all better), so it just hit a raw nerve.  I was being told that I was perpetuating my illness at the same time the medical profession were making out everything was  psychological.  It was just too much.  I need to remind myself that this is less about the illness itself and more about the things I have learned about other people and the medical profession.  That's something I can learn from, illness is something I don't have so much control over.


I have been feeling as though my life is empty.   Comparatively, it is.  I can't work and my social life is greatly restricted.  I am barely able to practice my musical instrument.  Everything I do has repercussions, right down to making a cup of tea.  But, I am also staying in someone elses pocket.  I don't have access to my books, cds, dvds etc.  My life would be just as restricted as it is now, but it fulfilling be a hell of a lot less boring and a lot more fulfilling if I had these things.


I have been feeling unattractive.  Again, I came here with a weeks worth of things.  I had one pair of comfy, ripped jeans.  I have bought a few things but I just don't have access to all my nice clothes, and everyone needs a bit of vanity don't they?  The other thing is that, I have lost a lot of muscle mass meaning I'm a bit flabby.  I also spend a lot of time sitting down.  If I had more clothing to choose from, I wouldn't be stuck with the stuff that doesn't fit so well.  


The overall stress of being homeless is really taking a toll on me.  I keep contacting the housing association but to no avail.  If I didn't have so much bureacracy to deal with, if I had more time and space to rest, I think I would feel better illness wise too.


Let's see.

An Quick Introduction

I'm in my early twenties and live in the UK. I've been living with an undiagnosed chronic illness for the last year (possibly mildly for longer), have been out of work for 9 months, and a near full time electric wheelchair user for the last 3 months. I am currently homeless (but not roofless) having needed to move out of my old place due to harassing house-mates and because it was inaccessible.

My experience may be slightly different to others in that I already defined as myself as 'disabled' before becoming ill. This was due to a mixture of neurodiversity and mental health issues. Sometimes these pre-existing disabilities do interact with my illness[es] so it's hard to know what's causing what.

There are both good and bad aspects to my other conditions but this illness in and of itself can only be negative and with that has come a lot of grief; grief that I do not currently feel able to deal with when I do not know if this is permanent, treatable, curable or progressive.

The name 'cobble-gasm' was born whilst I was wheeling along some very old cobbles and found that my wheelchair vibrated violently. Since then, 'cobble-gasm' has been my curse of choice when encountering dodgy pavement.

This blog is to include information on my medical journey to getting a diagnosis as well as serving as a place to rant about the medical system, social housing, buses (etc etc) and to give funny anecdotes of life as a visibly disabled person.

I ask that if you know who I am in real life that, you still keep my identity private due to the personal nature of this blog.