I've been thinking about how being ill has effected the way I think about myself. I think I've been convincing myself that all of the crap in my life is because I am sick.
I became homeless because of illness...indirectly. I was getting crap from housemates at a time where I just couldn't cope. A lot of the hassle they were giving me was about the fact that I couldn't cope (and that me coping would make it all better), so it just hit a raw nerve. I was being told that I was perpetuating my illness at the same time the medical profession were making out everything was psychological. It was just too much. I need to remind myself that this is less about the illness itself and more about the things I have learned about other people and the medical profession. That's something I can learn from, illness is something I don't have so much control over.
I have been feeling as though my life is empty. Comparatively, it is. I can't work and my social life is greatly restricted. I am barely able to practice my musical instrument. Everything I do has repercussions, right down to making a cup of tea. But, I am also staying in someone elses pocket. I don't have access to my books, cds, dvds etc. My life would be just as restricted as it is now, but it fulfilling be a hell of a lot less boring and a lot more fulfilling if I had these things.
I have been feeling unattractive. Again, I came here with a weeks worth of things. I had one pair of comfy, ripped jeans. I have bought a few things but I just don't have access to all my nice clothes, and everyone needs a bit of vanity don't they? The other thing is that, I have lost a lot of muscle mass meaning I'm a bit flabby. I also spend a lot of time sitting down. If I had more clothing to choose from, I wouldn't be stuck with the stuff that doesn't fit so well.
The overall stress of being homeless is really taking a toll on me. I keep contacting the housing association but to no avail. If I didn't have so much bureacracy to deal with, if I had more time and space to rest, I think I would feel better illness wise too.
Let's see.
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