Independence

'Independent' is not a word many people would likely use for me these days, least of all doctors or social workers.

I have been repeatedly accused of becoming dependent on carers and this is (supposedly) the reason why I've been denied a personal budget or even an official support plan.  As if denying me any support would be a route to 'independence' (rather than a route to hospitalisation).  I've been made to feel lazy, a fraud, a scrounger and unworthy of 'their' money.  This has now been going on for 16 months.  This has left some deep scars to my self esteem and over all mental health and continues to grind me down - though thankfully I now posses more tools for dealing with this.

I've been so overwhelmed by all of this - by their accusations, their lies and abuse, that I've not really taken an objective look at just what I have achieved.

I have been fighting for 16 months to live independently, control my own care/assistance.  I've been fighting for the right to take part in hobbies and  volunteering with a view to further study.  I've fought for a wheelchair. I spent a month in hospital fighting for my right to care on discharge despite the lies being spread about me by staff whilst there.  That month was hell - but I still fought and left with care provision.

I live by myself.  After being of no fixed address for 4 months I moved in to my own adapted property. I kept pushing and pushing until this was confirmed.  Despite increasing impairment I refused to move in with parents 'until I'm better' because I knew realistically that time may never come and I would be stuck there with no financial means to move.

I am fighting for the correct level of benefits too, and fighting for a diagnosis.

Looking at this objectively, there's no wonder I'm exhausted by it all and no wonder that my mental health has taken a beating.  Many of these issues remain unsolved but one thing remains true:

I am sat in my own flat and whilst things may not be perfect, whilst the last 16 months have been hell, I have far more than 16 months ahead of myself to enjoy and I will keep fighting until I win the right to live the life I deserve to lead.  This is something I should probably give myself credit for.

I think I'm far more independent than they will ever understand.